shock absorber

     since high school, i have been a "shock absorber" of lovelorn people. by shock absorber, i meant that i have always been available to hear my friends' heartaches. yes, i hear heartaches of different sorts. most of them from my guy friends. at times, i just lend my ear and even my shoulder  and at times, i offered tidbits of advices even though i don't really have enough experience to back up the ones i gave.

     all they really needed (especially the guys) were just someone to hear them out.

     being a shock absorber took me to some kinds of emotions and even introduced me to some painful ones. in college, i hurt the one person who could have been serious to me for the simple reason that he was always been and ONLY a friend to me. i helped him out with the current person he was eyeing for, encouraging him to go on and never be afraid of showing the person how he felt for her. unknowingly, his eyes turned on me. i have high praises for this person, because he was and is still a dear friend to me, up until now, despite the hurtful things and the pain i have caused him. i knew i caused him too much pain, i even heard him sob on the telephone (although at that time, he denied he was shedding even a single tear). it took him mountains just to reach out to me, he was so kulit at that time. i was guilty of hurting him but i cannot fool myself any longer either, what has got to end, has to end. and i told him i was sorry (or haven't i?) nevertheless, you know who you are and i am sorry for what i did.

     there was also a time, i got hurt for trying to comfort and ease another guy's feelings. for me, i was a fresh bait for him to use to make his girlfriend jealous.  although he denied that fact, i cannot still help but feel the same because he never really rebutted this. it was a painful experience, i admit i did liked him, love him? no, although i also admit i was close to getting there. infatuated, maybe. they said that it is never really safe to enter into a relationship with a guy who just recently broke up with his long-time girlfriend. my bestfriend even warned me, hard-headed as i was, i still went on with what i felt. at first, i hated him for what he did to me. and then it dawned on me, i was somehow responsible too. i was naive. there goes my first heartbreak. i'd like to believe that ia have already forgiven myself for that stupidity. it's just that things will never be the same again with the person no matter how hard i try to fit in to the environment we both have, me and him having the same colleagues at school. at one point, i thought this could be karma to things i did with the person i mentioned in the preceding paragraph. i could accept that. the karma even came back a hundredfold. but i want to tell person A (let's just call him that, the person i referred to in the preceding paragraph) that i cried everyitme i knew i inflicted pain on him. it hurt me too, being aware that i am hurting a person dear to me. back to peron B. yeah, i acknowledge he made a wound in me, the wound, though healing at it's surface, is still fresh deep within me. at times, whenever i hear that he's with someone or he was seen with someone of the opposite sex or his supposed-to-be-ex-girlfriend, i just can't help but feel something, i am reminded of my stupidity. how stupid of me i fell into that dark pit. my relationship with him was full of controversy, lies, deceptions, anything of the same sort. i am looking forward to full recovery, but news of him just make me back a step to that goal. at that time, i even wished i was in her "ex-girlfriend's" shoes.  in general, i somehow wished that someday, someone would be crying for me, someone would get drunk because of me, or someone could just die because of the heartbreak i caused him. the last one's just an exaggeration, kidding aside. I WISHED I COULD HAVE BEEN THE GIRL THAT THIRD PARTIES COULD HAVE BEEN ENVIOUS WITH. i don't know, i feel i have always been the third party.

   the last person i comforted, i could have broken my heart again. but this time, i have learned my lessons with the experience i had with person B. but it still gave me the feeling of being the third party. there's nothing much to say about person c, except the fact that, i recognize his short-lived presence in my life. i have learned some things from him too. things that i could bring with me when i undertake into anothr relationship, some of which are not even worth the disclosure.

     bottom-line is, all along, with these three persons, i felt that i was the sabit. there were other persons who ran to me for comfort too, but these three were the ones who marked something in my life. all along, i felt that i have always been the third party. I communicated with person A jsut this week. he said ganahan lang jud ko nimu and that, he's very much inlove with is present girlfriend. he said so one time that he missed me. if he's so "in" to his girlfriend right now, he should not be saying those things to me.

    which brings me to the question: are the tables turned this time? could i be the person whom i have envied a long time ago? could he be "using" (forgive me for employing such a word, i coudn't just think of any with the same import) another just to heal the pain i have caused him? but it was a long time ago--with this person. i'd like to believe he has recovered from me. i hope what i am thinking of this time could not be true, because i know what and how it feels like to be the panakip-butas, coming from the same situation. i know he is smart enough to know that. if all my doubts are in the negative, then i want to tell him what i have told him by the time i knew of his newfound relationship.  I AM HAPPY FOR HIM, AND HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY AND TO BE LOVED. HE WILL ALWAYS be A DEAR PERSON TO ME. i hope he wishes me luck on my future relationship. 

     I'm hoping that i would be wiser and more mature this time, whenever the one (hopefully) comes along. i am positive he will arrive, i can even smell his scent now.